


Accidental Antichrist Acquisition

by Lady_of_the_Spirit



Series: Accidental Antichrist Acquisition [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cross-Posted on Tumblr, Gen, Inspired By Tumblr, Oneshot, might write more later, the baby swap got even more confusing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-22 15:30:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22885240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_of_the_Spirit/pseuds/Lady_of_the_Spirit
Summary: THIS WAS ENTIRELY AN ACCIDENT.The three horsepeople exchanged looks silently communicating their lack of faith in this excuse. It would have been a far more convincing excuse had Death not been gently stroking the baby’s downy hair with more tenderness than they had ever shown to anything.“Explain, then,” Famine said, feeling a migraine coming on.
Relationships: Death & Famine & Pollution & War & Adam Young (Good Omens), Death & Famine & Pollution & War (Good Omens)
Series: Accidental Antichrist Acquisition [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1877113
Comments: 6
Kudos: 69





	Accidental Antichrist Acquisition

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a tumblr post of @beezandbitches:
> 
> ‘What if… [the four horsepeople] raised the antichrist? ahaha jk… unless?’

**THIS WAS ENTIRELY AN ACCIDENT.**

The three horsepeople exchanged looks silently communicating their lack of faith in this excuse. It would have been a far more convincing excuse had Death not been gently stroking the baby’s downy hair with more tenderness than they had ever shown to anything. 

“Explain, then,” Famine said, feeling a migraine coming on. 

**I ARRIVED A BIT EARLY TO COLLECT SOME SOULS FROM THE CHATTERING ORDER. I WISHED TO SEE THE ARRIVAL OF THE ANTICHRIST. EVERYTHING WAS IN ORDER, OTHERWISE. BUT THERE WAS AN EXTRA CHILD.**

“Extra,” Famine repeated. Extra was one of his least favourite words. 

“How many were there supposed to be?” War questioned, not taking her eyes off the child in Death’s arms. She couldn’t sense any bloodlust in the child - she supposed that it had to be developed. That was disappointing. 

“Don’t you _know_ how it’s supposed to go?” Famine questioned his sibling with a look. 

“I must have missed the memo,” War snapped. “I’ve been _busy_.”

“And _I_ haven’t been?”

“All I know is that we’re supposed to show up and start the end. That’s really all we need to know.”

“There are two children,” Pollution interrupted. Their eerie, pale gaze had been on the baby since Death had summoned the three of them. “One is our master. The other is the real child. The two are swapped.”

 **BUT THERE WAS A THIRD. AND IT SEEMS THE OTHER TWO CHILDREN, THE HUMAN CHILDREN, WERE EXCHANGED. THE TRUE ANTICHRIST WAS LOST IN THE SHUFFLE AND CONFUSED FOR THE EXTRA,** Death finished explaining. **AND I COULD NOT LET HIM DIE. FOR OBVIOUS REASONS.**

“So just leave him for the humans. Explain it to them,” War said. “They’re already dealing with demons and the Antichrist. The angel of Death wouldn’t be a shock to them.”

**IT’S TOO LATE NOW. THE PLACE HAS BEEN BURNED DOWN AND THE CHATTERING ORDER DISBANDED. BOTH FALSE CHILDREN ARE WITH THEIR FAMILIES - THE WRONG FAMILIES, BUT THEIR FAMILIES NONETHELESS. THE PARENTS WOULD NOTICE IF THE CHILDREN WERE REPLACED.**

“So, what now?” Pollution asked. “Are we supposed to raise our own master?”

 **WE CANNOT GIVE HIM TO THE ANGEL AND DEMON PAIR,** Death told them. **THEY ARE WATCHED. THE CHILD WOULD BE NOTICED, EVEN WITH HIS SHIELD. AND WE CANNOT TRUST HE WOULD BE RAISED PROPERLY IF WE SIMPLY GAVE HIM AWAY.**

“How are _we_ supposed to raise him?” War demanded, making a face as she looked to the other two horsepeople, _clearly_ the only other two _sane_ horsepeople since Death was suggesting the outrageous idea. “We’re rarely on the same continent. Raven has his whole business in America, I’m supposed to be heading to Cairo _tomorrow_ , and Chalky is Chalky.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means exactly what you think it means.”

“It would ensure Armageddon,” Famine said thoughtfully, “if we were the ones raising him. Making sure he had the right influences in his life.”

“You’re not listening!”

“It’s possible we could come up with a custody agreement,” Famine continued without listening to War, who had thrown her hands into the air. “Split his raising between us so whoever isn’t working can take care of him. We do have our vacation house. If any of us aren’t available, we could drop him off with Pestilence. Death can be anywhere, so they can take him anywhere. It’s a perfect system.”

“Are you really considering this?” War demanded, grabbing Famine by the shoulder and squeezing 

“He’s starting to wake up,” Pollution interrupted. War stopped yelling and turned. Pollution was standing closer to Death, peering down at the baby with a tilted head and a curious look. “I didn’t think children were so small.”

 **HE IS A BABY,** Death said, sounding amused, which the others found slightly creepy. **BABIES ARE VERY SMALL.** They gently tapped the child’s nose with a skeletal finger. The baby cooed softly and managed to wriggle his arms free from his blankets. With all of his baby strength, he grabbed onto Death’s finger and held it. 

Pollution’s eyes seemed to sparkle with interest. Death’s aura became very soft and the room got warmer despite their presence. 

“This is a terrible idea,” War said even as she and Famine approached to look at the baby as well. 

“He’s got eyes like a baby raccoon,” Pollution said. The others all knew Pollution loved raccoons. “He just needs the mask.”

War examined the child with narrowed eyes. The boy didn’t seem to have any bloodlust in him, which was disappointing, but he held onto Death’s finger with all of his strength and showed no fear of any of them. _So much fighting potential._

Famine was already making plans for the next eleven years. So much had to be done by then in order for everything to go well. They would be very busy. Of course, with the money he made, plus any additional money from War’s job, they would have it much easier than most people who unexpectedly found themselves with a child. He figured that Frannie, who had nieces and nephews herself, could help if they needed it. And knowing his siblings, they would definitely be needing it. 

“This is a terrible idea,” War said for the final time. “But it seems to be the only proper way. But I don’t want him calling me mom.”

“Oh, no,” Famine agreed with a slight grimace. “Imagine me, being called ‘father’.” 

Pollution just made a face. 

**WE DO NOT HAVE TO BE PARENTS,** Death said. **JUST GUARDIANS.**

“So I guess this is it.” War sighed. She couldn’t help but smile as Pollution reached out and ran the back of their hand against the child’s cheek, interest shining in their eyes. “It should have a name, shouldn’t it?”

 **HE WILL END EVERYTHING. IT IS ONLY FITTING HE BE NAMED FOR THE ONE WHO BEGAN EVERYTHING,** Death said. **HIS NAME SHALL BE ADAM.**

And Adam it was.

**Author's Note:**

> I meant for this to be a oneshot, but I have some ideas for this AU so I may write more for it sometime in the future. Hope you liked this, though!


End file.
